Holy snowflakes, Batman!

All right, apparently I’ve been living under a really large rock, really far downrange.  That’s because I must be the last person on earth to find out that Whole Foods doesn’t sell live lobsters.  You should have heard the snowflake on the other end of the phone.  It was as if I had just tried to put camo wallpaper in his favorite cry room.

This all started this past weekend.  We’ll have lobster once in a blue moon,  and my usual source was out.  So I did the logical thing and started calling around to grocery stores, including Whole Moods Foods.  Why not?  Well, apparently the central nervous system of a brainless, soulless crustacean gets prioritized well ahead of the real issues facing our country.  Now, I don’t doubt that many others have said basically the same things I’m saying here.  And so I’ll get to the unique part of my point.

This is LOUISIANA!  How exactly does the super race of humorless liberals running Whole Foods think we boil crabs and crawfish?  Yes, that’s right, they go into the pot live.  And guess what else: our little piece of heaven here doesn’t get sucked into some retributive liberal vortex every time we do it, and the earth doesn’t reverse its polarity.  But one thing that has happened for sure is that these self-righteous snots have taken it upon themselves to issue a general indictment of our harmless culture of boiling live seafood.  I thought liberals were in the business of respecting other cultures.  It’s just a good thing for them that we are not they.  Louisianians are a special breed.  We have a thick skin and don’t waste our time getting in people’s faces, especially when they’re pathetic and no match for us.  We prefer to be outnumbered and outgunned.  It’s a more impressive way to show off.  Just ask those 8,000 lobsterbacks who tried to take us in 1815.

So I would say we’ve earned the right to have our live lobster and boil it too.